The past...

I’m not supposed to live in the past. Think of the future. Today is today. Live for today. The past is the past. I’ve heard them all. More than once. More than twice.

But the past is all around me. I’m reminded of the past every day. Pictures. Furniture. People. Statements. Bills. Receipts. Phone calls. Emails. Every thing reminds me of the past. I can’t escape it.

I remember being 5 and wishing I was a little girl. Girls had it easier. So I thought.
I remember long bike rides on Harmony Road. Alone. With friends. It didn’t matter. Life was safer then.
I remember pretending to be famous. Waving at non existent strangers from my chair.
I remember catholic school. The fear. The sadness. Name calling. No one to help. I was the problem. If it wasn’t for me there wouldn’t be any name calling.
I remember falling in love. Crazy sex on Saturday mornings.
I remember bringing three cats home. One every other year. I remember saying good morning to each of them. I remember saying good bye to two of them.
I remember bringing home two dogs. Loving them. Playing catch. Playing tug of war. I said good bye to one and will say good bye, for now, to another.
I remember having dreams. Of love. Will I ever? Yes. I did. I do.
I remember finding bottles stashed in every corner of our house. The fights. The love. The fear. The relief. The lonliness.
I remember meeting Michelle. Her family. Could it be true? A child of my own.
I remember seeing Lilly for the first time. 20 weeks old. Sucking her thumb. She’s 21 months old now. Where did it go?
I remember laying in the grass at night. Looking up at the stars. Praying to see another sign of life. If I did I’d poop my pants. But I wanted too so badly.
I remember summer in NYC. Roof top parties with friends. The days seemed so long.
I remember wanting to be 16. Driving was the ultimate goal. Now I’m 40. Where did the time go? Do I really have 40 years left if I’m lucky.
I remember when Lilly was born. The world stood still.
I remember Terry. Used to live with us. Her smell. Her chain smoking. Her illness. Her cries alone at night. If I knew then what I know now.
I remember our first house. Wilson Hill. The gardens. The pool. Looking at that house with eyes full of tears. Don’t get too attached. It’s just a house. Really? It didn’t seem that way at all.
I remember creating my own TV show. Antiques and collecting. Amazing stuff. The excitement of getting letters in the mail. We’ll air it. We’ll air it. We won’t. Never saw the light of day. Dreams are funny that way. Some come true. Some don’t.
I remember my first kiss. Lorene Nemire. I was 10. Behind a billboard at school. 10 seconds of pure fear and joy.
I remember someone saying “life isn’t fair.” But it didn’t apply to me. It does. I just didn’t know it.
I remember falling asleep to the sound of crickets. Deafening at times. The sweet smell of summer and the stale smell of winter.
I remember feeling happy. Being happy. Not a care in the world. Not really. Always had cares. Problems. Life. Funny how it’s good then but always bad now.
I’m not supposed to live in the past. But it’s who I am. It’s where I’ve been. It’s who I wanted to be. It’s who I will be. I can’t forget the past and I don’t want to.