Relax?

I don’t think it’s humanly possible for me to have one more thing on my mind.

Last night I counted the number of thoughts that raced through my mind as if they were on a giant movie screen. What was the final number? I lost track at 35.

My shoulders are up to my ears. I can feel the tension in my neck and back. Tried to take a bath last night but I don’t fit in our doll house-ish bathtub. Too tall. Damn. Relax. Breathe. I tell myself. Breath in, breath out. Deep breaths. Focus on the breath. It works, sometimes. Not always.

I listened to a meditation tape last night. A friend at work told me about it. I lasted about half an hour. Then I realized that although I was supposed to be “relaxing” and “breathing deeply” I was climbing mountains, scaling walls, taking hot baths in mineral water, imaging a happy place, looking north and coming up with magic movements that opened closed doors. That was what the tape wanted me to do in a half an hour. All that work isn’t relaxing. Is it? I turned it off.

What will life be like when there isn’t anymore drama to think about? I won’t know what the hell to do.