Tough questions. Honest answers?
Every now and then the “subject” comes up. Most people assume we adopted. Some I correct and others I tell the “truth.” Women always are the ones to ask. Men don’t seem to care. Last week I told the truth. Then came the questions most everyone has the balls to ask. Tough questions. Some of them. Honest answers? You decide. That’s the hardest part. It’s easier to lie. Much easier. But why?
How did you meet her? This surrogate Michelle. Through an agency. Yes. There are agencies that handle everything. Ours didn’t. But we paid dearly for what little they did.
Is it her child too? Yes. It’s my biological daughter and Michelle’s.
Does she have other kids? Yes. She has two. A boy and a girl. Her family is “complete.”
What did her husband think? I don’t know. I don’t read minds. He was very polite to us. It didn’t seem to bother him at all.
Did you pay her for the child? That’s the hardest question of all. By far. At first I would usually cringe. My throat would tighten. My lips would purse. Heart would race. Here comes the judgment. I bought a baby. That’s what you think.
Not anymore. It's different now.
Yes. I said. We did pay her a fee. So, isn’t that like buying a child because she wanted money, I mean, right? No. I said. My voice didn’t raise. My throat didn’t tighten. If Michelle was pregnant and approached us asking a price for her child then yes, that is buying and selling a child. That didn’t happen. Michelle was not pregnant when we met her.
But, there was money involved. She said. Her head turned asking for more information. No judgment in her voice though. Yes. I said. True enough. If we adopted there would have been money changing hands too. Just to a foreign country. At least we know the birth mother. At least we know she wanted to do this. At least who know who she is. It’s not easy being gay and wanting to be a parent too.
But you paid her for the child. That’s the comment that always hurts. No matter what. No matter how much time that passes. It still hurts. We paid her. Yes. I always say we. We paid her for carrying our child. For taking care of herself. For putting herself at risk. For putting her family at risk. Do they not need a mother? Her two kids that is. She risked her life for us. What we paid her wasn’t nearly enough.
Will you tell her the truth? That’s a question that makes me smile. I don’t know why. Yes. I always say. We will. If not there would come a time when Lilly would turn to us – two men that is – and ask where her Mommy is. Don’t you think? We could say she’s adopted. But why? We aren’t ashamed.
Why didn’t you adopt? Another question that always comes. We’re gay. I always say. It’s not easy to adopt when you’re gay. One can the other can’t. So you lie. Foreign countries won’t let you do it anymore either. Not many of them. Plus the child’s a different race. Two dads. Two gay dads. A different race. Too many whammies. I call them whammies. Issues really. Is that all fair to the child? You’re a black adopted boy with two daddies and a crack addict mother who couldn’t raise you and you don’t know who your father is?
Do you think she regrets it? I don’t know. You’d have to ask Michelle. If she does she hasn’t told us so. We’re planning a sibling this fall. Why would she do it again if she regretted it?
How could she give away her own child? I could never do that. No woman could ever do that. Okay. That’s a judgment. You couldn’t give your child to someone else to raise so if someone else does they are wrong to do so. I get it. Well, not really. I don’t know. You would have to ask Michelle. Tens of thousands of children – if not hundreds of thousands – are adopted every year around the world. They were “given away.” I guess mothers should abort? I really don’t know. Then don’t have a child and “give it away.” That’s what I always end up saying. My throat gets tight though. My voice does raise.
Did she do it for the money? That’s another tough one. Honesty sucks. Doesn’t it? Yes. I say. Always reluctantly. I think she did. Some of it. Not all of it. I think the money helped. I saw the look on her face when Lilly was born. That was priceless. I saw joy. Love. Pride. Mostly love. Money can’t buy that.
How will Lilly feel someday knowing her Mother asked money for her? I don’t know. I usually say. I really don’t know. However she feels I want her to be honest with us. We can deal with the truth. We can’t deal if she doesn’t tell us. Maybe counseling someday. Maybe not. At least she’s wanted. Loved and wanted. That’s more than I can say for lots of kids. Ever think of that? That sounds defensive. I know. Why is money so evil? Too much emotion attached to it I think.
Tough questions. Honest answers.
How did you meet her? This surrogate Michelle. Through an agency. Yes. There are agencies that handle everything. Ours didn’t. But we paid dearly for what little they did.
Is it her child too? Yes. It’s my biological daughter and Michelle’s.
Does she have other kids? Yes. She has two. A boy and a girl. Her family is “complete.”
What did her husband think? I don’t know. I don’t read minds. He was very polite to us. It didn’t seem to bother him at all.
Did you pay her for the child? That’s the hardest question of all. By far. At first I would usually cringe. My throat would tighten. My lips would purse. Heart would race. Here comes the judgment. I bought a baby. That’s what you think.
Not anymore. It's different now.
Yes. I said. We did pay her a fee. So, isn’t that like buying a child because she wanted money, I mean, right? No. I said. My voice didn’t raise. My throat didn’t tighten. If Michelle was pregnant and approached us asking a price for her child then yes, that is buying and selling a child. That didn’t happen. Michelle was not pregnant when we met her.
But, there was money involved. She said. Her head turned asking for more information. No judgment in her voice though. Yes. I said. True enough. If we adopted there would have been money changing hands too. Just to a foreign country. At least we know the birth mother. At least we know she wanted to do this. At least who know who she is. It’s not easy being gay and wanting to be a parent too.
But you paid her for the child. That’s the comment that always hurts. No matter what. No matter how much time that passes. It still hurts. We paid her. Yes. I always say we. We paid her for carrying our child. For taking care of herself. For putting herself at risk. For putting her family at risk. Do they not need a mother? Her two kids that is. She risked her life for us. What we paid her wasn’t nearly enough.
Will you tell her the truth? That’s a question that makes me smile. I don’t know why. Yes. I always say. We will. If not there would come a time when Lilly would turn to us – two men that is – and ask where her Mommy is. Don’t you think? We could say she’s adopted. But why? We aren’t ashamed.
Why didn’t you adopt? Another question that always comes. We’re gay. I always say. It’s not easy to adopt when you’re gay. One can the other can’t. So you lie. Foreign countries won’t let you do it anymore either. Not many of them. Plus the child’s a different race. Two dads. Two gay dads. A different race. Too many whammies. I call them whammies. Issues really. Is that all fair to the child? You’re a black adopted boy with two daddies and a crack addict mother who couldn’t raise you and you don’t know who your father is?
Do you think she regrets it? I don’t know. You’d have to ask Michelle. If she does she hasn’t told us so. We’re planning a sibling this fall. Why would she do it again if she regretted it?
How could she give away her own child? I could never do that. No woman could ever do that. Okay. That’s a judgment. You couldn’t give your child to someone else to raise so if someone else does they are wrong to do so. I get it. Well, not really. I don’t know. You would have to ask Michelle. Tens of thousands of children – if not hundreds of thousands – are adopted every year around the world. They were “given away.” I guess mothers should abort? I really don’t know. Then don’t have a child and “give it away.” That’s what I always end up saying. My throat gets tight though. My voice does raise.
Did she do it for the money? That’s another tough one. Honesty sucks. Doesn’t it? Yes. I say. Always reluctantly. I think she did. Some of it. Not all of it. I think the money helped. I saw the look on her face when Lilly was born. That was priceless. I saw joy. Love. Pride. Mostly love. Money can’t buy that.
How will Lilly feel someday knowing her Mother asked money for her? I don’t know. I usually say. I really don’t know. However she feels I want her to be honest with us. We can deal with the truth. We can’t deal if she doesn’t tell us. Maybe counseling someday. Maybe not. At least she’s wanted. Loved and wanted. That’s more than I can say for lots of kids. Ever think of that? That sounds defensive. I know. Why is money so evil? Too much emotion attached to it I think.
Tough questions. Honest answers.
posted by Mike at 12:54 PM
2 Comments:
is Michelle going to be your surrogate again?
i find it funny that someone would say you "paid" for a child and "why didn't you adopt?" don't you also pay for adoption? what's the difference?
oops ... i just read where you said that.
exactly. at least she will know she was wanted. that you worked hard to have her .. that having her in your life was of the utmost importance .. and that was your priority. how many people can say their children weren't "Ooops?"
Raven - Yep, Michelle will be our surrogate again. We talked about it when we first met and told her how important it was for us to find someone who would hopefully be willing to help us with a sibling down the road. We were lucky to find her.
Tanya - money and life aren't comparable for sure. There is no way that we would not have compensated Michelle in some way for helping us have a child. I stand by my statement that what we paid michelle wasn't nearly enough. She risked her life for us. It's that simple. If you are upset that you received comp for your surrogacy why not consider returning the money to your if's or starting an investment account for your daughter? Perhaps that will ease the guilt you are feeling.
Post a Comment
<< Home