Ultrasound Effects

ULTRASOUND EFFECTS

Journal Entry, May, 2003
For half an hour, the earth just simply stood still. All I could see while watching that monitor was my life, my past, and future, flashing before my eyes. Maybe it was because we live so far away from Michelle and haven’t seen her since we did the inseminations, but it almost seemed at times like we weren’t actually pregnant. Standing there watching that television monitor brought it all home. What an incredible experience. There’s actually something living in there! Squirming, rolling around, having the time of their lives.

Our trip to Reno seemed especially grueling this time around. All I could think of on our flight was the upcoming ultrasound the next day and I couldn’t wait to get there. It didn’t help matters that sitting across from Mom and me on the airplane was the proud mother of a bouncy and happy eighteen-month old blonde-haired, blue-eyed, little boy. That’s what we’re going to have, I thought to myself. We’re definitely going to have a little boy.

We landed in Reno and made our way to the “resort” again, and that’s when it dawned on me that I hadn’t brought Michelle’s new cell phone number along with me which meant, of course, that I couldn’t call her and let her know that we had made it there safely. It also meant, more importantly, I couldn’t even find out what time the doctor’s appointment was the next day. I had kept a business card with me that I had scribbled down any and all important phone numbers. But, most, if not all, either didn’t have names next to them, or had faded beyond recognition thanks to being crammed in my wallet. So, I did the next best thing. I called every number on that business card that even remotely rang a bell as being Michelle’s and left message after message. Some unhappy campers were going to come home that night to the following message: “Hi Michelle, it’s me! Mike. Mom and I are here, David sends his love. We’re here safe and sound. Hope James and the kids are good. Listen, I can’t find your phone number and I don’t know what time the doctor’s appointment is tomorrow for the ultrasound. I still can’t believe we’re pregnant can you? It’s the coolest thing. Oh, and does James have to work tomorrow? Okay, well call when you can, like I said, Mom and I are here. I can’t wait to get a peek at that little munchkin in there.” Nice huh? Mike, Mom, David, Michelle, James, the kids and the ultrasound. God only knows what people would think.
I was just about driving Mom crazy that night fretting and worrying while I waited for the phone to ring.

“Why don’t you just get in that huge SUV and drive over there?” she asked. Good idea, I thought. Five minutes later we were standing on Michelle’s doorstep.

“You’re here!” Michelle said in disbelief.

“Yep,” I said with a hug, “we made it! Did you get any of the messages I left?” Of course she hadn’t. Michelle looked wonderful. She had put on some weight and was starting to show, but seemed to just glow from being pregnant. She was in great spirits.

“Every now and then there’s movement,” Michelle said as she pointed down to her tummy.

“Hopefully she’ll move around in there and you can feel it.” I put my hands on
Michelle’s tummy several times, but wasn’t able to feel anything. It was so great to see all of them. James had already left for work so we stayed for a while; played with the kids a little bit and then crawled back to the “resort” to get some shut-eye. Of course we tried our hand at a couple slot machines. Mom had become hooked on a slot machine called Texas Tea and couldn’t resist the temptation. I couldn’t either. They were nickel slots after all. The problem was that you had to lug twenty dollars of nickels around in a plastic cup all night.

The next day we met up with Michelle again after stopping by the drug store to buy a VHS tape to have the ultrasound recorded on, then we headed off on the half-hour drive to California for the doctor’s appointment. Before we knew it, Michelle was lying down on the exam table having jelly spread all over her bulging belly. Within seconds, and I mean seconds, a tiny little black and white life-form appeared on the overhead monitor. It was truly incredible. Fuzzy, blurry white images started to become crystal clear against the stark black monitor. There “it” was, happy as a clam and not a care in the world.

“Don’t even think of starting to cry, Michael,” Michelle said, “or I’m going to start crying.”

“Too late,” I said. “You’re too late.” The three of us watched as the black television monitor in the room lit up with signs of squiggling, squirming and thumb sucking. All of it was amazingly clear but somehow so unreal. The very first image that came on the screen was of him or her, sucking their thumb.

The ultrasound technician checked to make sure all was okay and even pointed out the stomach, kidneys, spine and heart. But, she seemed to be having trouble figuring out the gender. “If you’d like,” she turned to us and said, “you can go outside, walk around, even jump around – just go and move around a little bit then come back in and we’ll try to see if it’s a him or a her.” You never saw three people move faster in your life. Half an hour later we were back. Michelle was covered with jelly again, and after what seemed like an eternity and some heavy poking and prodding, the tech turned to us and asked, “You do want to know the gender, right?” All three of us said, “Yes!” in unison. “Well”, she said, “I’m ninety-five percent certain that you’re going to be having a little girl.” “She’s got her legs crossed pretty tightly,” she continued, “so I can’t be one-hundred percent certain. But I’d bet you it’s a girl.” Good, I thought, let’s hope she keeps them like that until she’s at least thirty -- I’m certainly not going to be ready to be called Grandpa anytime soon.

For the next half an hour, the earth just simply stood still. All I could see while watching that monitor was my life, my past and future flashing before my eyes. At first, I remembered coming out to my mother and how she hung her head and cried. The last thing a son wants to do is make his own mother cry, but that’s all she could do. I remembered her saying, “You won’t be able to have children of your own, Michael, and you would be such a wonderful father.” I reminded her that there would probably be options open to us by then. “True,” Mom said, “that’s true. But it’s a long road and a difficult road from now until then and you never know. It’s such a shame.” Now, almost seventeen years later, there we were watching my “daughter” having the time of “her” life. I looked over at Mom and thought about how far we had come, and she had broken down in tears.

I also kept looking over at Michelle. She was having the time of her life. Her face was glued to the monitor and all she could do was smile and giggle. I thought about how remarkable it was to be standing in a room with my mother and my surrogate mother watching my very own daughter right before my eyes. Then I flashed to the future and saw our little “girl” running around the yard laughing and giggling without a care in the world. It’s the kind of giggle that goes right to your heart and pierces your soul.